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  • On Being A Constella ...
    Not that I always
    make excuses for not
    blogging as a way to
    start a blog entry
    (ok, fine, so maybe
    I do), but I
    haven’t had
    much time or spoons
    for blogging this
    past month or so,
    because I’ve
    been so busy going
    to var ...
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  • Spoonless in San Raf ...
    I’ve been
    thinking a lot about
    Spoon Theory lately,
    which made me
    realize I’d
    never talked about
    it here on
    Parentheticals. For
    those who
    don’t know,
    Spoon Theory is a
    metaphor used by the
    disability community
    to ...
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  • Birthday and Cancer- ...
    I’m a few days
    late getting this
    traditional birthday
    blog post up this
    year, because there
    was a lot going on
    for my birthday and
    then I got sick
    (which I refuse to
    take as an
    indication that I
    overdid it around
    the birthda ...
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  • New Year’s Intention ...
    It’s taken me
    a couple extra weeks
    to actually write
    this down in any
    coherent way, but
    I’ve been
    thinking a lot about
    my
    intentions/resolutions
    for this 2017 year,
    and I think they are
    finally coming into
    focus. I thi ...
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  • Year End Reflections ...
    Once again I am
    stealing some time
    away amidst the
    familiar familial
    hurly-burly that is
    our Stinson New
    Year’s
    tradition to do some
    reflection on the
    past year and record
    it for posterity.
    2016 will definitely
    be a memorabl ...
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Parentheticals

A blog in which Our Heroine records, reflects and wrestles with meaning. With lots of asides.

I’m much later in putting my New Year’s intention down in print than I usually am, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking a lot about it for the last few weeks. For whatever reason, this year’s intention was a little harder to articulate than previous years have been (hey, some years are like that), but here’s what I’ve come up with so far: in 2014 I discovered that trust breeds trust, so in 2015 it is my intention to keep the trust cycle going by...trusting more. What do I mean by that? Well, I’m still feeling like I may have to talk around the concept a bit before it completely crystallizes, but let me have a go at it.

So as background, let me say that the last few years have been an interesting journey through identity work and personal growth (yeah yeah, I’m in my 40’s, and this is not unusual, I realize). One of the big issues I’ve been grappling with during this phase of the journey is trust. (Yes, I have trust issues. How frightfully pedestrian of me, right?) Precisely why I have trust issues and under what circumstances they flare up and get triggered is a complex and tangled story that I’ve spent lots of time picking apart with my therapist and won’t go into here, but suffice to say that sometimes, I have a hard time believing that things will work out without great effort and a certain amount of defensive contingency planning on my part. Much as I *say* I want to be the kind of person who lives in the moment and believes that things generally work out favorably in the end, and often preach the efficacy of this approach in my advice to others, I often have a hard time actually doing that. (Oh well, you know they say you teach what you most need to learn...) I get scared, I get anxious, I get triggered, and I go right back to “no one else will notice there’s a need here, so I’d better take care of it myself, and well ahead of time, too, just to make sure it doesn’t fall through the cracks.” I juggle faster and add more balls and fancy footwork, and for a while I feel like a super circus queen...until inevitably something gets missed or tripped over and everything overwhelms and falls apart. But I have only myself to blame, which is really uncomfortable, so I try blaming other people for not rescuing me, but then that isn’t very comfortable either, so I resolve to not even involve other people next time, and just try a little harder to do everything better by myself. (Whew. I’m a little freaked out just typing all that.)

Now, I’ve been working on all this stuff, as I said, and one of the things that happened towards the end of 2014 is that life circumstances were such that I got super overwhelmed by all the Things To Do (admittedly, that’s the passive voice...in many ways I knowingly and willingly set myself up for much of that overwhelm, it didn’t just happen out of nowhere). Travel, high school applications, social and family obligations, Dickens Fair, Josh starting graduate school, kid care, housework, holiday hoo-ha...there was so much going on that I just couldn’t juggle it all myself in the pro-active ways I was used to. I had to drop some Things, and give some of the Things to Josh or other people, and just trust that it would all somehow work out ok. And you know what? It did work out ok. It totally did. Sometimes just barely, and sometimes at the last possible moment or not in the way I thought it would, but overall: Things worked out ok. And in acknowledging that fact, I found myself feeling more confident, and yes, more trusting, about the possibility that this whole “trusting that other people will help do the Things and that Things will work out ok” process might be repeatable. And get easier each time. It was kind of exciting, and made me want to trust some more.


(Belated) Year End Reflections: 2014 Version

Posted by: julia

Tagged in: solipsistic , reflect , record , memory , life

Whoosh, the time flies. The holidays are finally past us and what a crazy packed busy time they were, with all the usual Thanksgiving-Black Turkey-Hanukkah-Christmas stuff combined with end-of-year kid school stuff, Josh writing final papers for his classes, and Dickens Fair taking up all the weekends. We did things a lot more last-minute and off-the-cuff this year, which is not my preferred management style (I am much more a “plan all the things and do them before deadline” kinda gal), but I will note that everything worked out pretty well and all the things that had to get done got done, though we did abandon several “optional” holiday activities and projects. However, I was so overwhelmed and exhausted by Doing All The Things that the day after Dickens Fair ended (a couple of days before Christmas), I was sick. That sick carried through until the first day or two of our family vacation at Stinson, so mostly all I did at Stinson was rest and read and hang out (and spend hours flogging Eli through his essay writing for high school applications). Didn’t write, didn’t do the usual end-of-year/new year’s intention blog, didn’t journal, didn’t make any progress on my backlog of photo albums. But considering how hectic life had been, resting and rejuvenating seemed like a good idea and I’m better for it now.

So here I am, seven days into the new year, four days after getting back from Stinson and one day after the kids’ school started up again, finally ready to do the now-traditional Parentheticals blog entries for the end-of-year-wrapup and beginning of year intention setting. I figure I might as well do them now (“Late But Great” is, after all, our family motto) before the year gets too much farther away from me and we go hurtling off on January’s rollercoaster of all the new things that need doing. We are still somewhat in a quiet time now, at least compared to the previous couple of months, so it seems a good time for reflection.

So how’d 2014 go? Thanks for asking. Overall it was a full and generally happy year, and since last year’s intention was “find satisfaction”, let me now declare that I think that it was also a very satisfying one, and I am generally happy with the way I went after satisfying experiences and enjoyed them while I was in them. I think I will always struggle with my impulses to make others happy at the expense of my own time, energy and projects, but this past year I was at least aware of the need to prioritize my own satisfaction, and sometimes even successfully did so.


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