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  • On Being A Constella ...
    Not that I always
    make excuses for not
    blogging as a way to
    start a blog entry
    (ok, fine, so maybe
    I do), but I
    haven’t had
    much time or spoons
    for blogging this
    past month or so,
    because I’ve
    been so busy going
    to var ...
  • Spoonless in San Raf ...
    I’ve been
    thinking a lot about
    Spoon Theory lately,
    which made me
    realize I’d
    never talked about
    it here on
    Parentheticals. For
    those who
    don’t know,
    Spoon Theory is a
    metaphor used by the
    disability community
    to ...
  • Birthday and Cancer- ...
    I’m a few days
    late getting this
    traditional birthday
    blog post up this
    year, because there
    was a lot going on
    for my birthday and
    then I got sick
    (which I refuse to
    take as an
    indication that I
    overdid it around
    the birthda ...
  • New Year’s Intention ...
    It’s taken me
    a couple extra weeks
    to actually write
    this down in any
    coherent way, but
    I’ve been
    thinking a lot about
    for this 2017 year,
    and I think they are
    finally coming into
    focus. I thi ...
  • Year End Reflections ...
    Once again I am
    stealing some time
    away amidst the
    familiar familial
    hurly-burly that is
    our Stinson New
    tradition to do some
    reflection on the
    past year and record
    it for posterity.
    2016 will definitely
    be a memorabl ...


A blog in which Our Heroine records, reflects and wrestles with meaning. With lots of asides.

Good News on Thanksgiving Eve

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Tagged in: wrestle , solipsistic , reflect , record , memory , life , cancer

Looks like from now on I will have a special reason to celebrate Thanksgiving “eve” as well as Thanksgiving itself...just got a call from UCSF with the results of my pathology report, and it’s great news: all clear! I repeat, Houston, we are clear. Clear margins on the tumor (and on the extra bit of DCIS found nearby), and clear lymph nodes. They are going to re-run the estrogen receptor test just to doublecheck the original biopsy results (which said the tumor was estrogen-positive, which is a good thing), but it would be unlikely to find it different this time through. UCSF just likes to have their own labs do the checking, I suspect (like when they made me do another ultrasound there when I’d already had one in Marin).

Wheeeeeew. The journey’s not over yet, of course, but this is absolutely the news I wanted to hear and I am super thankful. :)

More Recovery Updates

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Tagged in: wrestle , solipsistic , reflect , record , memory , life , cancer

I have been distracted and fatigued with visitors and even a couple of outings, so it’s taken me a while to put together another update post. I’m happy to report that I’m still healing really well. I have been managing pain with just ibuprofen and haven’t had to use any of the “serious” pain meds they gave me. I’ve been sleeping fine and napping whenever I feel like it (and since I’m a fan of naps anyway, that’s at least once or twice a day). I’ve been able to go for at least a short walk almost every day (and it felt great to be outside). Most of the issues I’ve had have been on the level of “irritating” rather than “awful”: itchy tape, prickly glue bits, sore jaw and arm, bruised hand, inflamed drain insertion sites, general fatigue. Overall though I’m doing way better than I expected and I attribute that to four things: 1) top-notch medical care; 2) the incredibly humbling and powerful outpouring of love, good vibes and care from all you beautiful people both pre- and post-surgery; 3) being from strong Russian peasant genetic stock; and 4) an optimistic attitude of gratitude (you get what you focus on).

Speaking of gratitude, the unarguable silver lining of this whole experience has been the people. My close friends and family, who have been nothing short of amazing angels of compassion and love (with a special shout out to my mom, who has been there for just about every doctor appointment and even slept over in my hospital room with me). The beautifully heart-filled folks from my various communities: my synagogue friends, my burner buddies, my writer peeps, my faire family, my parent pals. The consistently kind and caring staff and doctors at UCSF. People have reached out with all kinds of support: messages, visits, flowers, meals, cards, smiles, books, jokes, music. Especially now, in these often dark days when the rest of America and the world seems at times to be struggling with their collective humanity and compassion, the people around me have shown that goodness and love are alive and well, and I am incredibly grateful. It’s so important (for both me and the world) to keep hope and optimism going, and all these people have helped me (and the world) do so. I have a huge amount to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, for sure.

A few last notes: I had a post-op appointment at UCSF yesterday where the nurses finally took off my ratty, irritating bandages (yay) and examined all the incisions, and I’m also happy to report that they agreed that everything looked pretty good. They took out my two drains, which was a brief hurt, over quickly, but most of all was a tremendous relief. I finally got to see what had been under the bandages, which was pretty trippy. I’m still all puffy and frankensteined (and glued up), but wow is it weird to have such relatively small, taut, perky-nippled boobs so high up on my chest. I thought they’d be lighter too, because they’re smaller, but they’re not really...just a lot less saggy and long. It’s like someone pulled a string on my back and they just shrank up into me (but unfortunately with a lot more stitching). They look okay, but definitely different, and it’s still throwing me. I want to be more excited about the transformation but I think that will take some time. For the moment I’m still mostly struggling with loss and change. I can’t really get attached to this iteration anyway because it’ll change yet again after the double mastectomy in a couple of months.

Recovery and Attention

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Tagged in: wrestle , solipsistic , reflect , record , memory , life , cancer

And then...there was recovery. It’s been about a week. Today I’m feeling pretty great, actually, but let me go back and talk about earlier in the week.

The last week has been full of visits and flowers and food and calls and cards and loving gestures of all kinds. (I have discovered that some people are flower people, some are food people, some are card writers, and some are bakers. All of them are awesome.) So many people are so eager to do something to show me that they care. This is certainly the moment when I feel all my communities holding and supporting me, and that’s a beautiful thing. I’ve certainly spent years and years involved with various communities, putting in my time and energy, and this is the reward. 

I am mostly very pleased at all the attention. (Who wouldn’t be? Flowers and food and loving words are something it’s practically impossible to have too much of.) I think that in many ways I have been healing as well as I have because of all the outpouring of love and attention that has been showered on me. (I’m not just being woo-woo; this is totally a thing. Go look it up.)

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