Wow. A year of not blogging. I think that’s a long enough break. I really do want to get back into the habit of journaling (Facebook updates and tweets don’t count...though they are better than nothing, I suppose.) Whether or not I make those journalings public, it seems like an important part of my own growth process and I want to respect it.
So here I am at the end of 2010/beginning of 2011, back in the familiar familial hurly-burly of a Stinson vacation, and once again trying to take stock of a year past and clarify my hopes for a year ahead. 2010 was a turbulent year, I think. There has been sorrow and struggle, and there has been growth. I have continued to level up in wisdom, and self-knowledge. There have been many moments of joy. I am grateful to be so blessed with people who love me and to have had time to pursue both creative pursuits and navel-gazing. I am trying to stay courageous and positive in the face of a whole lotta not knowing what the hell is coming next. I feel very much like I am ending 2010 at a crossroads, and hoping that 2011 will finally coalesce into whatever the next phase is going to be. I am as ready as I am ever going to be.
Summing up 2010:
By and large this was a year where we mostly stayed healthy and there were more small or short events happened than big milestone ones, with a few notable exceptions. In general, my “leisure” activities (aka “the stuff I really want to do”) stayed the same--there was lots of gaming, writing, reading, eating and friend time. All the good things in life were present, and for that I am grateful and pleased.
It was my work activities that shifted over the course of the year--at the beginning of 2010 we were gung-ho into trying to make our web business grow, and by the end of the year we had finally realized that it was not going to be the cash machine we’d hoped it could be, and more importantly, that it wasn’t as satisfying and fulfilling a joint project as we had wanted it to be. After pushing to see if we could scale it up by taking on additional staff and finding bigger projects, we finally acknowledged that we were bleeding way too much money and that it wasn’t going to work at that level. So in September we let our staff go and scaled our business all the way back down to the way we’d started, with just Josh and me working from home. Archer Web Solutions still exists, but in a much humbler, less ambitious form. We’ve finished out most of our big projects, and now are spending most of our time responding to and maintaining the clients we already have. New projects continue to come to us through referral, and we will continue to take on those that are meaningful, that we want to and can, but in general, both Josh and I have been exploring other options for how we can most successfully grow our multiple bottom lines (financial, purposeful, emotional and spiritual). I’m really not sure what comes next (though I have been keeping myself busy and involved in multiple things). I am trying to “practice prioritizing pausing” and not rush off to some “good enough” way to spend my days--I want to stay as open as possible to seeing what will emerge if I give myself enough space.
So with all this, it was a hard year mentally and emotionally. 2010 was the year of Let’s Try Therapy (helloooo, midlife crisis!), which brought with it lots of pattern recognition and perspective shifting. I continued to deal with the aftermath of the big pachyderm that was stomping around my mental room at the end of 2009, and started digging deep and hard into my own personal journey of “who am I, why am I here, and what do I want”. These questions are deceptively simple to ask and dammed hard to answer, especially when they’re tied up with other secondary questions like “how did I get here”, “what do I deserve” and “what am I supposed to be/do”.
One other milestone to note: 2010 was the year that Isaac started Kindergarten. I didn’t realize that this would be a big deal, and yet it was. My baby became a Boy, with a capital “B”. He left his beautiful, calm and loving preschool and jumped with both feet into the world of elementary school--and he did great (and continues to do great). I can see him shifting before my eyes--becoming more competent and confident (well, Isaac was always confident, but now it’s about different things). For me, too, it felt like a big shift into a new era of parenting. There has been a tremendous freedom, yes--my kids are going to the same school! At the same time! Woo hoo!--but there was also some sadness around the transition. My babies don’t need me quite as much, or at least not in the same, immediate ways that they used to. I’m fine with that--but I also found myself mourning its passing, because with Isaac, everything becomes the last time we go through something.
Other things of note in 2010 (no doubt an incomplete list):
-We had lots of family fun at gaming cons (Dundracon, Kublacon)--we discovered playing Pathfinder Society and it was great!
-We took a trip to the snow with the Cub Scouts (first time Isaac had been in the snow), and visited family in Chico. We also had another visit from G.G. in the summertime, and went to Stinson for a week of beach time before school started.
-In the Spring, both boys played Little League and Josh coached both teams. We had a crazy few months trying to keep up with baseball practices and games, in addition to our usual Cub Scout and Sunday School activities.
- Josh and I took a great long weekend trip to Santa Barbara for our 15th anniversary, where we stayed at the Cheshire Cat Inn (the same place we’d stayed for our 1st anniversary, back when we still lived there). We ate great food, wandered State Street and the beach, and relived good memories of a town we used to belong to.
-Eli went to sleepaway camp (Camp Newman) for the first time. It was weird being without him in the house for a week--our family life definitely felt off-kilter. But it was a great experience for him in multiple ways, and I got to practice that bittersweet feeling a parent gets when their child successfully leaves the nest (even just for a little bit).
-We went to Disneyland! Other than our usual low-key week out at Stinson before school starts, this was our one big vacation in 2010. We drove down with Anji and her boys, and met up with Adrienne and Jim when we got there (though we didn’t see them much during the trip, as they were on a different schedule with other friends). Overall we had a really successful, memorable, and fun 5 days at the happiest place on earth. I love being at Disneyland with my kids. I hope we get to go back again soon.
-I started the process of volunteering for the Chevra Kadisha (burial society) at my synagogue. Taken as a whole, this group of people is learning how to become more deeply involved in visiting the sick, comforting mourners and attending the dead. It’s fascinating, fulfilling work. I have always felt drawn to transition times (birth, death, illness, life milestones), and now that I’m in the midst of my own transition times, this work feels satisfying.
-Writer-ishly speaking, I organized two different Writers Retreats at Stinson this year, both of which were very fun and very helpful (I love my writer peeps). I also went to the World Fantasy Convention (WFC) again this year, in Columbus, OH, and continued my connections to existing writer friends while also making some great new connections. Though I had finished the full draft of my novel at the end of 2009, it took me most of 2010 to revise it--but I did, and finished it. Hooray! I feel reasonably good about it now, considering it was my first and the one I practiced everything on. It is now ready to go out into the world (which is going to be my first writerly task in 2011--get those query letters done and out there!). I’ve also begun the sequel, though it’s still in that annoying coalescing stage where I’m not sure where it’s all going. Still, with the first one under my belt, I feel like this one will go easier and take less than 7 years. I want to revive my regular Butt-In-Chair practice in 2011 (it slipped away to non-existence there at the end of 2010).
-I have become more and more involved with my colleague Jeff in the clarification and re-creation of a new kind of business (Co-ignite) that helps individuals clarify the impact they want to cause in the world and learn how to collaborate better. We do so through “story maps”, workshops and mastery groups that help clarify the impact an individual is trying to cause and then helps them bring their superpowers to collaborative projects. Sounds abstract, I know--I’m still working on the succinct, sexy marketing pitch for what we do, since it’s actually a relatively complex process. It’s important, intriguing, mentally stimulating and spiritually satisfying work, and both Jeff and I are determined that in 2011 we can start to make it financially worthwhile as well. I don’t know if this will be my entire answer to “what’s next”, but it definitely seems to have some sort of part to play.