[Well, I meant to get a post up about my New Year’s Intentions last week and then I got clobbered by the news about needing chemo treatments. I’m still reeling about all that, but at least it helped clarify my intentions. Anyway, onward.]

Last year I intended to trust more, and while that was certainly a challenge (one that will always be with me), I think I did do more trusting. I especially practiced that surrender to trust that comes from overwhelm...there were too many times where my usual plan-ahead, multitasking, project manager mode just wasn’t possible so I had to get comfortable with triage and just-in-time problem-solving and with trusting that everything would be okay. And it generally was, so trust was easier.

This year, it felt harder to pick an intention, largely because there was so much chaos and uncertainty swirling around me that it felt somewhat self-defeating (or at least overly optimistic) to set an intention. I did come up with some personal projects I wanted to commit to: blog more, start yoga again, start using Instagram again, and of course that perennial classic, FINISH THE DAMN BOOK. But though I have started several of those projects already (oh hi, Parentheticals!), I am also vividly aware that any and all of these are likely to sink with barely a bubble into the murky swamp of discomfort and depression as things continue to evolve with my cancer saga (not to mention all the other life drama). Yes, the year is still young and there’s plenty of time to start things anew or continue slogging away at things; but I think the only things I can really commit to are being gentle with myself about expectations and settling into whatever pace I can, even if that pace is herky-jerky and wildly inconsistent.

Well, that’s not entirely true, now that I look at it and really think this intention thing through. There are a couple of things I do intend to commit to, even in the face of all this change and uncertainty coming my way. The first is courage. It is absolutely my intention to hold on to, to practice, and to share courage as I move through 2016. I am not stupid enough to equate courage with fearlessness—of course I will be fearful, I’m super frikkin’ fearful right now even as I type this—no, I will be courageous. I will be brave, I will be stout-hearted, I will be valorous (a woman of valor with a price far above rubies!) I will be tenacious and keep getting up and dusting myself off and hobbling or swimming or dancing forward, always forward (and never straight), and always aiming for firmer ground as the swamp bubbles around me.

The second thing I intend to do in this new year I still have the privilege of experiencing is to take pleasure in what I can in the moment, without worrying about what is coming or what has been. To do what I want instead of what I should (with the exception of things that cause hassle or hurt to others), and at the very least to appreciate the good bits of where I am and who I’m with and whatever is good about what is happening right there in front of me. I intend to identify and embrace any and all joy available to me, and suck that joy dry in order to sustain me on the journey through the swamp. (Forget sucking the marrow of life, I prefer cruelty-free vegetarian metaphors—as anyone who has had to put up with my Passover symbol substitution of a beet for a lamb shank will no doubt tell you.)

Because even in darkness there is light, and eventually sorrow fruits into wisdom. And I am determined to make one hell of a tasty fruit salad once I get out of this swampy bullshit.