Blog (Irregular Reports From the Front)

Sunday is always a work day, but I wasn’t quite ready to just jump up and get to work so I got up extra early to see the sunrise and go visit the ashes of the Man and pick up a few bits and pieces. When I got there around 6am it was mostly ashes and a few glowing coal pits here and there, with people sleeping or just laying around the middle of it because it was toasty warm in the early morning cold. I poked around a little and picked up some nails and wire and then cycled back to Pink Heart while the sun rose all orange and glorious. I still had a little time left so I grabbed a fleece blanket and sat in my favorite princess chair in the center of frontage and looked around at the beautiful camp we’d made and enjoyed our fabulous Esplanade view one more time before I had to go help take it all apart. It always makes me sad when the whole thing we have worked so hard on and anticipated all year and loved all week just vanishes into nothing again, but that’s part of the experience.

Strike went reasonably well, especially because it wasn’t deadly hot like it had been the previous year. I helped with the disassembling of the Patio, mooped, helped pack away pillows and helped to pack up the kitchen. By early evening we were mostly done, which was great. We changed out of work clothes into warm clothes and ate and then went with a group of Pinkies who were still there out to watch the Temple burn.

It was as always beautiful, reflective, solemn, and sad. People sniffled and coughed and cried and howled together like a wolf pack (and the howls traveled around the circle). The burn itself was so beautiful, especially the moment when the whole structure slumped and folded into itself and gave off twirling smoke angels. Afterwards we walked back to Pink Heart (not easy because the beacon was down, and it was hard to tell where we were) and spent some time hanging out with people who were still there.

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Prologue and Preamble]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 1]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 2]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 3]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 4]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 5]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 6]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 8]

[Full set of Burning Man 2019 Pictures and Videos on Facebook]

Finally on Saturday I had nothing scheduled and nothing particular in mind to do. I mostly spent the day hanging around in both the back and front of camp. I remember I met a hilarious centaur woman (she wore a furry blue and pink fur costume covering her waist, legs and bike, and you could reach in under the horses’ tail to pull out a plastic egg with a prize in it...mine was a sticker and a necklace with silver beads and a shark tooth, you know, exactly what you expect out of a horse’s ass). I also got gifted not one, not two, but three separate otter pops from a lovely couple who were hanging around the Esplanade in front of Pink Heart, which made me really really happy (since one of my favorite things on playa is frozen sweet treats!) There were also some picture taking shenanigans and shot ski shenanigans (in Nick’s honor), but the rest is just ephemeral beautiful Burning Man “now” and I don’t really remember any other specifics.

Eventually Josh and I got dressed up for the Man Burn and walked out to where Headspace had staked out a position close to the Man earlier that day. We went up to the second story and found ourselves a great viewing spot right next to the stairs, and then just hung around waiting for the burn to start. We met a cute 12 year old kid named Wheels and his mom and aunt (it was his and his aunt’s first time at the burn). It was a spectacular view from up there, we were able to see the fire conclaves performing in a circle all around the perimeter and then of course the fireworks and the burning of the Man itself were awesome. I never get tired of watching humongous magnificent fire art.

After the Man was down and the crowd was starting to disperse we left Headspace and went back to camp, where a bunch of other pinkies had stayed to watch the burn. We hung around for a few hours watching the world go by and talking to people in frontage, and then headed off to bed because we had to get up early the next morning for strike.

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Prologue and Preamble]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 1]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 2]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 3]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 4]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 5]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 7]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 8]

[Full set of Burning Man 2019 Pictures and Videos on Facebook]

Friday I got up early and got to Center Camp by 8:30am. I checked in but didn’t go on til 9 so I spent a little time looking around at the art at Center Camp and chatting with the backstage crew. Josh and Mom and Mamadoody came to see me, which was very sweet. Josh even shot video for me to look at later. I think the performance went reasonably well again (especially because again I didn’t prepare anything, I just improvised), and I enjoyed it. Afterwards we got some drinks and headed on our leisurely way back to camp. We stopped by the Census camp on the way out of Center Camp and talked with them a little bit, but didn’t do much else that I can remember.

When we got back we did a little cleaning up around the yurt and hanging out around camp (I made an awesome necklace and bracelet at the “Pink Heart Beading Creation Station”) until it was time to go as a group over to the foam camp (this year it was called “Foam Against the Machine”) and get a group shower and pass out cookies. Once again it was awesome to get to skip the line and go get naked and clean as a group. I felt pretty comfortable with my scarred, modified body this year so I didn’t mind being naked, and I vastly enjoyed the feeling of finally being clean (it was my first shower of the week and my poor hair, long and super-curly on the ends this year, had pretty much solidified into two tangled almost-dreaded ponytails). It was fun handing out cookies to people afterwards too...just like with the ice cream service we do at camp, being able to gift people something they’re really happy about is such a pleasure.

After our time at Foam Against the Machine was done, we scattered and Josh and I along with our campmates Cookie (yes, the one who brought all the cookies we gifted) and House wandered back to camp. We once again stopped at the camp that was giving out snow cones (mmmm frozen sweet treats on playa...so good). I had a water bar shift with Mom at 4, but I mostly left Mom to do the water serving while I worked the line and gave out “love bomb” wooden heart necklaces to people. These were the same thing I’d invented last year for Radical Ritual (I had someone laser cut about 500 more of the heart pendants this year and I put them on necklaces). Like last year, I would gather up a group of people who were in line for water and ask if they wanted to do a little ritual with me. (They pretty much always said yes.) Then I’d give them each a heart and tell them that this was to help them learn how to enjoy gifting and giving out love like Pink Hearters do, and that they should write a few positive words on their heart and then go hang it up next to the beautiful mural on the side of camp that our campmate Legume had painted, for someone else to take. Then they could take one that someone else had made for them, and if they wanted to, they could come back and show me what they got (since I never get to see what people write). Lots of people took me up on it and enjoyed the ritual, and I enjoyed doing it with them. That lasted for about 2 hours. Then it was time for dinner (truly delicious “beyond” burgers which were made from vegan ingredients but tasted just like beef burgers—wow!) and watching the sunset from the patio. This time Mom and Mamadoody joined me on the Patio, and it was once again super nice.

At some point after that, Josh and I went on a little art adventure together, mostly just down the Esplanade towards 2 o’clock, and then went out to the Temple since Josh still hadn’t been there and he had a whole long letter to his dad that he wanted to leave there. I revisited my earlier writings to see how the space around them had been added to and generally looked around at what had been put at the Temple while Josh had his time, and then we left together. On the way back (I think...it could have been on the way there) we saw one of the big art pieces, two trains on the same track facing each other from a couple hundred yards away, get set on fire and sent careening towards each other to crash together in a giant explosion. Unfortunately, the explosion went off just a few moments *before* the flaming trains crashed into each other, which lessened the impact of the spectacle somewhat, but it was still pretty great and the kind of thing that for sure you only see at Burning Man. We also saw and interacted with a few more cool bits of art (including Bloom, a giant beautiful light up jellyfish that you could climb up the inside of, and the Hexatron, a truly gorgeous “forest” of tall light up LED poles with beautiful patterns cycling through them—yes, another hippy trap). We got back sometime early in the wee hours and went to bed.

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Prologue and Preamble]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 1]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 2]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 3]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 4]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 6]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 7]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 8]

[Full set of Burning Man 2019 Pictures and Videos on Facebook]

Luckily I was able to sleep in on Thursday, so I did, until around 11 or so. (Love our air-conditioned yurt!) Then it was time to get up and get dressed all in pink for the Pink Ride. At some point before the ride started though a special guest showed up: our friend Angela. We’d known she was going to be at the burn but it was so great that she came to find us. I was super stoked to see her and showed her around and invited her on the Pink Ride, which she jumped right in on like the pro adventuress she is.

The Pink Ride was its usual fun mass of pink cyclists yelling “love you” and “you’re awesome” and other compliments as we slowly made our way to Center Camp, where we parked our bikes and made a big circle and spiraled our way into Center Camp in a giant group hug. We were near the end of the spiral so not long after we made it inside the whole thing broke up into individual hugging, which was fun. We hung around Center Camp for a bit and then Angela and I decided to head back to Pink Heart, with a visit to her camp and some other random fun (snow cones! Awwww yeah!) along the way. It was really fun pal-ing around with her and getting to spend some fun time together.

When we made it back to Pink Heart, we sat out on the patio for a bit talking and making tentative plans for the evening (which in true playa fashion, never worked out). It was still fairly windy so Anj decided she wanted to fly her kite. It was a little confusing to put together, so our campmate JJ kindly came and helped her build it. Then Angela left and I hung around for a while with Anj and JJ helping fly the kite (it was pretty fun). We also went to go see the giant marionettes whose giant table and chairs were set up on the playa very near Pink Heart, and then headed back to camp because it was getting to be time for our fancy camp dinner (called “Grace”). I heard that my friend and campmate Kathy had finally arrived at the burn (long story) and was so excited to go greet her and love on her a little bit. Then it was time for Grace. Josh was cooking so I sat with Mom and a bunch of other campmates and enjoyed being served delicious food (bread, hummus, empanadas, veggie and chicken skewers, dessert) and listening to our campmate Kayt play guitar and sing (she has an amazing voice!). For the second hour I got up and played handpan for everyone (it was hard to hear though...probably needed better amplification). At the end of the evening we had an impromptu round of toasts and tributes to our campmate Nick, who had died a few months before.

After Grace there was a sort of spontaneous Pink Heart party, with Headspace parked out front and lots of pinkies hanging around in frontage. I don’t remember it too well but I have no doubt it was a good time. One thing I do remember (and one reason I might not remember the rest of the night too well) is that we got to play with a Pink Heart-themed “ice luge”, which was an awesome ice sculpture that someone gifted us in return for using our freezer truck for ice storage. It was about 3 feet high, and shaped like a heart stacked on a diamond stacked on a triangle, with a Man carved on the heart and LEDs lighting up the whole thing from the bottom (where there was also a big tray catching the meltoff). There were also two tunnels carved into it in the shape of an “X”, so that you could pour liquid down the top hole and someone could put their mouth on the bottom hole and slurp up the now icy-cold liquid that ran down through the tunnel. We of course wound up doing shots of all kinds of liquor (I had raspberry vodka, if I recall correctly). At a certain point around 1am I gave up and went to bed, because I had another early morning handpan performance at Center Camp the next morning.[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Prologue and Preamble]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 1]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 2]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 3]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 5]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 6]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 7]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 8]

[Full set of Burning Man 2019 Pictures and Videos on Facebook]

Wednesday morning I was scheduled to play handpan at Center Camp at 8:30am, but I had to get there at 8. So I got up early enough and got myself ready so that I could go sit for a little while and watch the sunrise from the patio. It was really pretty from there. Then I biked over to Center Camp and checked in backstage. They said that their 8am person hadn’t shown up, would I like to play for that slot too? I said ok sure, and did. I think it went pretty well, since most everyone there at Center Camp at that time of day was pretty mellow and I was too. I wasn’t even really that nervous since I’d done this before, and people seemed to really appreciate and enjoy the music. After it was over I had to zoom back to camp for a group photo that a photographer friend was taking of all of us (plus some individual portraits after). Then Anji asked me if I wanted to go on a little art viewing adventure, and of course I did, so off we went. We visited a bunch of things around the inner playa, mostly just bopping from “what’s that?” to “what’s that?” There were some really cool large sculptures that impressed the heck out of me...anything from a giant and very detailed metal skeleton samurai warrior to Baba Yaga’s hut to an enormous reflective silver orb made out of mylar to a “shish-car-bob” of junker cars impaled on a huge metal stake to what was probably my favorite piece, the skeletons of a T-rex and another dinosaur that looked like they were emerging from a time portal to chase each other, and were covered in intricate colorful patterns made from tiny tiny beads that were put there by a team of indigenous women artists from Mexico. (It’s really hard to describe the art, which is why I try to remember to take pics.)

We also visited Anji’s friends over at the Monaco’s camp, and got to climb up their cool art installation which was a giant 2 story kaleidoscope with a spiral staircase on the inside, and a viewing platform at the top. I love the views that you get of the city when you are up above it some—it makes climbing worthwhile. I was having a hard time climbing things this year because of a hurt knee that I’d yoinked during all the frantic painting of the Pink Heart Patio in the previous weeks. Steps were ok but clambering up on things just wasn’t happening. I tried to climb on the “Haha...” letter art, and only banged myself up and got bruises for my trouble. So I mostly watched Anj climb things. The kaleidoscope was doable though, and we had fun swinging on a swingset we found too.

We made it back to camp sometime in the midafternoon and hung around a bit in frontage. I listened to a really interesting talk by Mitchell Gomez of Dancesafe (a cool nonprofit advocating harm reduction around psychedelic use) about Microdosing 101. After that I was supposed to have a water bar shift with Vid at 4 but I asked Josh if he would be willing to take it over for me, because I wanted to go on a Survivor’s Walk from the Man to the Temple at 5. He did and I cycled out to the Man by myself to find the other survivors. When I got to the meeting place it was obvious who was gathering for that walk, so I just hung around and waited for it to start. There wound up being probably 50 or so people who walked together from the Man to the Temple, both survivors and those who wanted to honor or support survivors. We gathered for pictures outside the Temple, and spent some time talking with each other—I met a couple other really wonderful people, a woman who was just finished with her own breast cancer treatments, and a young man whose parents both were dealing with cancer treatments for different kinds of cancer. Then we broke up and went to spend time in the Temple and/or go our separate ways. The Temple had actually just opened (while we were walking there we were trying to figure out if it was even going to be open yet) so it was still relatively empty and pristine. I admired the design and the shape of the building itself for a bit and then found myself a comfy corner where I could be by myself and feel some feels and cry and write some things. (This is why I always bring a sharpie with me.)

First I wrote my own thing: “Dear (?) Cancer: even though I didn’t want to change, I did. I know I’m different now. I’m still grateful. I am learning to embrace my new normal...which is still a bright, powerful, radiant Supernova. (So fuck you.)” Then I wrote a prayer for my friends Lionessa and Alex, who have been trying so hard to have a baby. (Lionessa requested I write something for them.) This is what I wrote: “Please you, O Playa Gods and all the forces of good and kindness, give Vanessa and Alex a healthy new human to evolve with. Bless their love and determination, and help their dream come true.” Then it was time for a farewell message to my father-in-law Jeff, who died this past December. I wrote “Goodbye Jeff. You will be remembered, and you will be missed.” After that I sat for a bit longer, and eventually noticed a little offering someone had left on the other side of the beam where I was writing: little bottles with “Burning Man 2018 – I, Robot” stickers on them and instructions to use them to gather playa dust, ashes, tears, whatever. So I took a bottle and filled it mostly full of playa dust from that spot at the Temple. Then I walked back down the main 12 o’clock avenue to the Man, retrieved my tricycle, and went back to Pink Heart.

I put my trike away and checked in with Josh and then went and sat for a while by myself on the Pink Heart patio and watched the sunset, which was glorious. Then I’m pretty sure there was dinner (though I don’t remember what it was...spaghetti from Sup maybe?). After that I changed clothes (we thought we were going to go to the White Party but never did) and went out on a pre-arranged playa date with my friend and campmate Cookie, who wanted to show me some really cool light up art. We biked out to go see it and then laid under one of the art pieces (I don’t know the name but it was a big disc held up in the air by a crane with super cool programmed light patterns set to music) for a bit—they call these kind of music + light shows “hippy traps” for a reason. After that I fooled around in frontage for a bit longer I think, because Josh and I were supposed to have a midnight shift on Headspace, our camp’s artcar. At some point Gene came by again, and we had some more nice hangout time.

Riding on Headspace is always fun, but I was pretty worn out from a long day already, so after the first hour or so of our shift, I was falling asleep. It was also getting increasingly windy and dusty out on playa, so it was hard to see things or to want to jump out and dance when we stopped. I feel a little guilty about this, but I spent the last hour or so of our shift mostly huddled up against Josh on the comfy purple fur cushions of the bottom floor, drowsing. When we got back to camp again around 3:30am, I promptly went back to the yurt and passed out.

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Prologue and Preamble]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 1]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 2]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 4]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 5]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 6]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 7]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 8]

[Full set of Burning Man 2019 Pictures and Videos on Facebook]

Tuesday morning I got up reasonably early and got myself ready to go up to frontage to do my annual Fly Your Freak Flag High workshop. Since this was the 6^th time I’d run this workshop at Pink Heart, I was pretty relaxed about the process. Mom also was totally on board to help me again so it was pretty easy. I basically just went around to people who came into frontage and asked them if they felt like participating in an art project. For those who did, I explained the idea and gave them a flag and some newspaper to put under their flag and some sharpies, and told them to come back and see me for a pic when they were done. Most people who said yes to the art project took it really seriously and stayed and colored for quite some time, and then showed me what they’d done. Our friend Lea showed up and came and made a flag and I had fun hanging out with her too. (I gave her her playa name too: Kinkable.) She gave me a pair of giant blue googly eyes to wear on my boobs and it was pretty funny. (Gonna buy some more of those for next year’s costuming fun!) She also had a bunch of ribbon and jewels that she gave to other people making flags, which was super nice of her. It was a relatively light year this year as far as number of flags made goes, we probably only made 30 or 40 flags tops, but what we lacked in quantity we made up for in quality.

I cut people off and cleaned up by around 1pm so the frontage area would be clear for the upcoming ice cream service. Josh and Vid and I were scheduled to do an ice cream shift at 2:30, but we had about an hour to kill before that so Josh and I decided to take a quick trip out to see the Man. We walked around both upstairs and downstairs and saw a bunch of great robot-themed sculptures (upstairs) and wall art (downstairs). I particularly liked the robot made all out of driftwood pieces with an open chest and heart inside, and the paintings of different Burning Man scenes with people replaced by robots (e.g. a ranger robot helping a barfing robot at a robot bar, or robots building the man). There were lots of cool things though, and I took pictures of a lot of them so I could remember them later. We didn’t detour much on the way back but we did see a cool art car with a whole brass band on it stop near an art piece that allowed you to play big horns using a keyboard controller and do an impromptu performance/dance party. It reminded us of the time we ran into a brass band on the banks of the Seine in Paris, which was fun.

When we got back to Pink Heart we had a few minutes before our shift so we went back to our yurt. Josh wanted to do some whippets and relax a little, I told him I’d meet him up front. He and Vid were going to be scoopers and I was a server. I met Vid up front and we had a great time with the ice cream service. (Sadly, Josh never showed up...he fell asleep inside the yurt.) Vid got really good at amazing perfect round scoops (it helped that it wasn’t a zillion degrees outside) and I had a great time as usual gifting the cones to the happy people in line. There was fun music to dance to and an enthusiastic, mellow feel to the crowd, which was great. After serving ice cream for an hour, Vid and I transitioned to helping out with bike parking for an hour, which went pretty well. I believe Josh showed up for a while during bike parking.

Once that hoo ha was all over, I went back to the yurt and discovered Josh hanging out with our burner friend Evan and a friend of his (whose name escapes me at the moment). It was great to see Evan, we hadn’t even known he was going to be at the burn. We chatted for a while and shared some air conditioning and snacks and smokes. Evan gifted me with a hilarious “Burning Man VIP pass” lanyard and pass that someone had made, which was supposed to grant the wearer things like a spot on any art car for the burn, bottle service at the burn, cut to the front of the line at the foam showers (which we actually did, haha!), and other ridiculous assumptions, and then in fine print told you about what you’d actually get (dust everywhere, the time of your life, etc). I loved it and wore it most of the rest of the week. Then they had to go and we had to go have camp dinner (vegan tacos that Anji and Ximena made, which I had helped schlep stuff up for in a cooler, and which turned out seriously delicious).

There are only two other things I remember about Tuesday evening, but both were pretty great. First off, there were a few of our campmates who wanted to go spin fire out across the Esplanade (with our sound camp neighbor Trifucta providing the soundtrack), and of course I wanted to watch that. Mom and I dragged chairs out there and sat and watched as Jess, Mona, Cat and Andrew played with hoops, fans, poi and dart respectively. They were fantastic and I really enjoyed watching them. I love flow arts and I love fire and I love our campmates so it was really a good time.

The second thing I remember is that afterwards, we were chilling in frontage (Lea had come back to visit, and Joe Beal was there and the four of us were hanging out by the water bar) when I heard someone say “hey, Supernova.” I turned around and much to my amazement, it was Gene, my first boyfriend ever (whom I haven’t really seen or talked to except occasionally on Facebook or Words with Friends for the past, oh, 20ish years probably). I was certainly surprised to see him but also really touched that he’d come by looking for me. (He said he’d found me on BurnerMap.) We went off to a corner of frontage and had a nice long catch up talk and hang out time. I knew he’d been to Burning Man before, but hadn’t seen him any of the other years I’d been going. Turns out he stopped going the same year I started, but this year he’d been laid off from his long-term job with severance back in July, so he decided this would be a good year to come back to the burn. It felt really nice to see him, and to reconnect, and to remember all the reasons why I originally loved this person 30 years ago, and yet to still feel perfectly happy with the way things turned out. No regrets, only love. Eventually Josh came back by and we all chatted for a bit and then Gene had to go and after a bit more hanging out in frontage, I called it a night too because once again, I had an early morning commitment the next day.

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Prologue and Preamble]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 1]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 3]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 4]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 5]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 6]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 7]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 8]

[Full set of Burning Man 2019 Pictures and Videos on Facebook]

I set an alarm and dragged myself out of bed at around 2:30am on Monday to get my shit together for going out to do a 4am Greeter shift with a bunch of other pinkies. It took a little while before we coalesced as a group that was ready to go but eventually we had about 8-10 people and set out on our bikes for the Greeter station. I wound up sharing a greeter lane with Terri and we had a lot of fun working together (we even developed a kind of patter). We made lots of virgins roll around in the dust and ring the bell and we gave lots of advice and hugs and cheer and generally entertained ourselves as well as the people coming in. We saw a beautiful sunrise too.

I was pretty glad when it was over though because I was tired from waking up so early and from giving out so much energy. We rallied for a group pic (though Mom and Mamadoody were missing because they’d driven there together and took off right afterwards to go drive back) and biked back in a clump. I peeled off to Center Camp with Anji on the way back and we went to go get some cold drinks at the Café and rest and chat for a while. We talked a lot about issues going on behind the scenes at camp and our feelings about said issues, which put me in a somewhat uneasy mood, but I was resolved not to let any issues or drama mess with my burn so I tried to just listen and hold everything as lightly as possible.

Once we got back to camp I decided to take a nap because I had another volunteer shift with a bunch of other pinkies coming up at 2pm, at Arctica. So I got some sleep and hung out some and changed my clothes and then at around 1:30, we got on Headspace and cruised through the city streets over to Ice 9 on the other side of the playa (we had volunteered there at our “usual” Arctica before we found out that our camp was placed on the other side of the playa this year). It was super fun cruising around in comfort and style with other pinkies down the streets of the city, laughing and enjoying the beats and waving to people. Headspace is an amazing art car—from the super sweet second story dance floor and DJ station to the luxurious purple furred cushions of the downstairs lounge area, it’s all been designed with love and attention and is a lot of fun to ride on.

Arctica was a ton of fun as usual—once again I was a greeter with Anjanette, although mostly I was outside or at the entrance to the igloo, and Anji was the last stop inside before handing people off to the cashiers. There was a lot of dancing and a lot of hugging and a lot of playing around with all the burners coming to get ice. Apparently Monday late afternoon is a pretty slow time at Arctica, so I also did a lot of perspective gifting (“Hey, I have something for you...a burn memory. Do you remember that one time, at Arctica, when there was no line and you got to walk straight in and just get your ice, no hassle, no waiting? That’s today. I hope you remember this moment, you don’t get it this good all the time.”) We’ve now been doing this shift so many years at this same Arctica that the Arctica folks remember and enjoy us and it all went really smoothly and everyone had a good time. Afterwards we took our ice and our tips and rode triumphantly back to camp on Headspace.

Once we got back to camp again it was time for dinner and our big all-Camp meeting where we talk about All The Things about camp and what was going on that week. That went on for quite some time as it always does, and when it was over, Josh and I hosted a newbies (and sponsors) get-to-know-you Q&A and social, where Josh made margaritas with the Coolest and we all introduced ourselves and I handed out wooden heart necklaces and had everyone do a version of the Love Bomb ritual (both so they could benefit from it and so they could learn how to do it themselves at the water bar if they were so inclined). I think it was a really nice thing to pull all the new pinkies together and let them see each other and start the process of becoming PHamily together.

I’m pretty sure the rest of the night was just hanging out in frontage. I didn’t want to stay up super late because I had a freak flag workshop to run in the morning, and I was already tired from all the volunteering and other stuff I’d done that day. I do remember (because I took a couple pictures!) that at some point that evening a whole lot of fireworks went off, in a big coordinated circle all over the playa. I’m not sure if they were supposed to be for or meant something specific, but they sure were pretty.

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Prologue and Preamble]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 2]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 3]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 4]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 5]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 6]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 7]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 8]

[Full set of Burning Man 2019 Pictures and Videos on Facebook]

I feel like I might as well steal from myself and re-use (with edits and embellishments) the first few paragraphs from last year’s entry, since it seems about the same this year:

I once again didn’t keep a journal at the burn like I usually do (because reasons, none of which are particularly compelling), so I am feeling some sense of urgency to try to remember and set down as much as I can while I still have a little dust left around me. Not letting it sit and stew for a few weeks may mean that the lessons and themes from this year’s burn are still a little unclear, but perhaps doing this write up will help to clarify them.

As usual though, you are welcome to click here if you want to just skip to the end of all this detail and read the list of reflections and takeaways, and click here if all you want to do is look at the pretty pictures with captions. And if you are unfamiliar with Burning Man in general, you can go read some of my initial entries from 2011 in which I do lots of ‘splainin’, or click here to go to the official Burning Man web site which has more info and content and things to look at than you can possibly imagine. (But don’t get lost, come back here eventually!) 

It was another busy overwhelming summer for me and especially for Josh, so as soon as the 4 weeks of The Game Academy summer camp finally ended in early August we spent a few weeks frantically putting together the building project we’d committed to (the Pink Heart Patio...more on that later) and prepping and packing All The Things (as Josh has commented, we bring the equivalent of a small apartment out to the desert with us every year, because we are glampers and unrepentant just-in-casers).

I did most of our organizing and packing for the burn, but I also did a lot of Home Depot runs and actual building for the Patio. I made friends with some power tools (specifically the circular saw and power screwdriver) and that was kind of cool since usually I leave that kind of build stuff to Josh. But Josh was away for 3 days at a conference, so while he was away I cut 90% of the wood that had to be cut down to various sizes to build the Patio. Once he got back we (along with the very timely help of several gracious NorCal pinkies like Aimee and Augie, Gabe and Michelle, and Anjanette) screwed and painted and drilled like maniacs and managed to just barely get everything done in time. (Whew.) Unfortunately while we were madly painting I somehow tweaked my knee while squatting and working, which continued to bug me all through the burn and even now still kind of hurts.

For the Patio, we made twenty 4’x4’ square deck pieces and 12 posts (and painted them all bright pink), which doesn’t seem like that much but I assure you, it took hours and hours and hours. Luckily Josh had a little bit of time to finish up our new yurt fixes while I was gone at my own conference. (We brought home most of a new yurt from an imploded plug-and-play camp last year, but were missing a door panel and needed to retape everything.) It was pretty stressful trying to squeeze it all in but we managed to get most everything done just in time to get the truck loaded up on Monday evening (Josh and Gabe were driving a truck with the Patio, some pieces of the camp shower, and a whole bunch of NorCal pinkie personal stuff up early for build, and they left on Tuesday so they could be on playa on Wednesday).

I stayed behind to get the kids started with Back-to-School stuff and finish the last few pre-burn tasks, and then on Saturday afternoon Mom and Vid (a new pinkie friend that Josh and I sponsored) and I packed up the van with all our coolers and last remaining bits of playa gear and headed to Reno. (We had to stop at Safeway on the way out though because Josh had requested I bring another big bottle of tequila for margaritas. Apparently they’d been very popular.) We stayed in Reno for the night at the Silver Legacy. We had a really nice dinner at the 4^th Street Café in Reno that night and then pretty much went straight to bed because we wanted to get up super early to head out the next morning to playa.

Sunday morning we got up at 4am, had a quick breakfast in one of the hotel restaurants, and got on the road by around 5:30am. As is now tradition, we stopped at Love’s in Fernley for gas and snacks, and then drove very slowly and carefully out to the playa (there were reports of a lot of law enforcement crackdowns in the small towns on the way to the playa, so we were taking no chances). We managed to get to the gate road by around 8:45am with no incidents and were feeling pretty good when we tuned in to Gate Radio and heard about the supposed wait time of “only” 2 hours.

But then.

Then there were dust storms. Not just mild dust storms, that come in and make everything dusty for 20-30 minutes and then blow out again, but serious, super-windy, can’t-see-the-car-in-front-of-you, long, extended dust storms that didn’t have much break in between them. So they shut down the gate, and we wound up sitting and sitting and sitting in our car (we couldn’t really get out and socialize and wander around like we usually do in the gate line because the wind and dust were pretty unpleasant). We listened to BMIR (the Burning Man radio station) and chatted and dozed and just tried to make the best of it. When we had to get out and find a potty it was a major adventure that needed goggles, dust mask, water and a buddy, and we returned seriously frosted. One thing that was memorable though was that on one of our trips to the porto-potties, I heard a familiar voice nearby...it turned out to be our campmate Michelle (and her son Bobby). Turns out we were only a couple of cars away from each other! So we at least had some company to check in with and commiserate with whenever the dust died down.

It took us 12 hours (a personal best) to make it in to the city and to our camp, but boy howdy were we excited to finally get there and hug everyone and drop our stuff off and settle in. Josh had already set up our yurt (and Mom’s tent) so really I just needed to unload the stuff I’d brought and park the van (I was afraid I’d have to go find some random spot in the city to go park but as it turned out there was enough space for us to park it in camp, which was a relief). I couldn’t find Josh for a while at first (turned out he’d been hanging out in someone’s RV), so I wandered around saying hi to various campmates and checking out our beautiful new pink lounge frontage. People kept telling me how excited Josh had been that I was coming and how sweet it was that he was so anxious for me to get there. Finally he showed up (and he was in fact very happy to see me) and helped me move all the stuff into the yurt, but after that we were both disinclined to do any real organizing or arrangement of our stuff so it pretty much just stayed wherever it had originally been shoved. (Hey future me, pro tip: jump on the organization of your space right at the beginning, or it likely will never get done.) I had some food (Josh had saved me some of the camp lasagna dinner) and we got settled in and I actually went to bed relatively early because I had to get up at 2:30am to go do a 4am-8am greeter shift with a bunch of other pinkies.

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 1]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 2]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 3]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 4]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 5]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 6]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 7]

[Report, Reflections and Robots (Burning Man 2018): Part 8]

[Full set of Burning Man 2019 Pictures and Videos on Facebook]

Woo, a lot going on in my world and all around that I want to talk about, but today I am driven to comment on the “me too” meme that’s been going around Facebook and social media in regards to women talking about their (far too common) experiences with sexual abuse and harassment. I think it's so important to talk about this and I'm glad there is more awareness than ever about sexual violence and rape culture, but I’ve been hesitant to join in and say “me too”, for a couple of reasons.

First off, let me say that of course, me too. Every woman everywhere, as far as I can tell, has had to deal with unwanted sexual attention and either the threat of or actual experience of sexual violence, and we really need to talk about it as a culture and commit to changing the power dynamic in the way that men and women relate to each other. However, what has made me hesitant to chime in and say “me too” is that—for whatever reasons—I am one of the lucky ones. I have never dealt with a sexual assault more serious than groping, and for that I am profoundly grateful.

I am also one of the lucky ones in that I have never had to deal with any serious, ongoing sexual harassment at my workplace or school environment or in any other place where others had significant power over me. Which is not to say that I haven’t had my share of catcalls, comments, jokes, gestures, hazing, and persistent unwanted attempts at sexual contact—that’s so common as to be hardly memorable, sadly—or of course been affected by rape culture and the general culture of the over-sexualization, degradation and dehumanization of women. I am well aware (hello, Women’s Studies degree) of the fears constantly generated and reinforced by our culture that attempt to keep women in line, keep us constrained and cautious and limit our choices and our power. I have swum in that sickening soup of fears all my life. I have the same threat-alert radar that every other woman has about my surroundings, and the people I come into contact with.

But even despite that, I’m lucky. And privileged. And I know that. In fact in some ways, I guess you could say my hesitance to jump into this very important conversation is because I have survivor’s guilt—why NOT me too? Because I'm a fat girl? We all know that doesn’t really protect one. Spending most of my time in supposedly “safer” neighborhoods and activities? That is certainly no guarantee either. Strong, loving and supportive family circumstances? (I got lucky there too.) Maybe those all contributed, maybe I just got really fucking lucky. I don’t really know, it’s impossible really to know. But I do know that this is a time where I have wanted to make sure other people’s difficult stories were heard and respected rather than jumping in to share my own, however empathetic that may be as a general conversational tactic.

So let me just say that I’m listening to the stories of my sisters and brothers who have dealt with sexual abuse, assault and harassment and I empathize. I feel the pain and I am appalled, angry and upset on their behalf. I am committed to continuing to have this conversation about why, when, and how these abuses of power (and bodies) happen, to shining a light on the problem and to strategizing solutions. Me too.

This year I’m doing something different than my usual tradition of pithy punch list of lessons learned to wrap this series of entries up. I’m writing this last entry exactly two weeks after we got home from the burn, because it’s taken me that long to find the time and the energy to write all the previous entries and frankly, I needed a little time to let the lessons and themes clarify and precipitate out. People keep asking me “so how was Burning Man?” and my answer has been pretty shallow (“it was really great and really hot!”) because how it truly was and how I felt about it requires a much more complicated and layered answer and most people really don’t want to stick around to hear all that (but if you’re bothering to read this, maybe you do so I’ll tell you).

So how was Burning Man?

I enjoyed it overall, despite some discomfort with the heat and a few times of crankiness or upset with Josh. I spent some excellent quality time with familiar and unfamiliar PHamily members and felt I had a place and was valued, but didn’t get a chance to go transformatively deep with anyone. I was able to formally express my artist and musician identities by doing my Fly Your Freak Flag High workshop and the Radical Love Ritual and by performing on stage with my handpan at Center Camp, and those things were successful and made me feel recognized and appreciated, at least in a modest way.

I also did a lot of volunteering and a lot of moving from scheduled thing to scheduled thing, pretty much all of which was rewarding in some way (made me feel good about being of service and being able to use my superpowers, and led to some great interactions with interesting random people, which is one of the best parts of Burning Man to me), but it also made the burn feel more like work and like the way I usually operate in the non-Burning Man world, where I am constantly filling my time with things and running from thing to thing that past me has scheduled for future me. Upon reflection, I think I frontloaded my week with too much responsibility because I was trying to keep a couple days open at the end of the week, but that didn’t work out too well. It would have been better for me to break it up more so that each day had a little schedule and a lot of freedom rather than the opposite, so I could keep my time at the burn a little more open and available for spontaneous adventures and connections. I want there to be enough empty time for me to get kind of bored or restless and start looking for things to do and people to talk to, because it is those serendipitous moments that are important and meaningful to me. I did manage some of those this year but wish there had been more. Having some more empty, free time would also have been useful to help me re-learn how to prioritize (and celebrate) my own choices around what I want to do and who I want to be in the moment. That mode of being my authentic self doing what I want to do in every moment is usually something I really treasure about my time at Burning Man, and I think my enthusiasm for wanting to be of service resulted in my not allowing myself enough space for that. Since I know I really am a twinkly bright happy powerful Supernova, the reminder here is that like my astronomical namesake, I’ve got to pull in before I explode out. Here’s to the healing power of contraction and quiet!

Speaking of healing, related to all this is my slowly clarifying realization that healing and grieving both take a long time (longer than my impatient “why can’t I be normal now” self wants them to take, anyway), and that perhaps what I am facing now is another round of the challenge to accept and appreciate what is and where I’m at right now and to trust that “new normal” is okay, even when it’s a moving target. I think I was unconsciously assuming that last burn was the burn for processing all the cancer feels and that this burn would be for other things, and in some ways it was, but in some ways it wasn’t. It appears that I am still struggling with some existential angst around “I could have died but I didn’t; why did I live, and what is the meaning of my life now that I have it (mostly) back?” I didn’t process this angst much (or at least consciously much) at the burn itself, but it’s hit me really hard since I got back, especially when Josh and everyone else hit re-entry with so much to do and so much to take care of that seemed really urgent and important and impactful, whereas my workload seemed like mostly non-urgent parenting and household drudgery that no one really needed or appreciated. I’ll be honest, I had a few pretty bad depressive days last week where I felt pointless and valueless and couldn’t see my own positive contributions to the world, and even questioned whether anyone would really miss me if I were gone. The benefit of hindsight makes me wonder if the over-scheduled, tons of volunteering burn I set up for myself was an unconscious way to try to convince myself that I was needed or impactful. (I know, past me, you were just trying to take care of future me, and I appreciate that. But perhaps we need to be a little more honest and insightful about what’s really going on and what’s really needed. So here you go, future me.)

Which is not to say that I didn’t sometimes take it easy or engage with self-care, because there definitely was some of that (thanks, super hot weather, for reminding me). Resting when I was tired, giving myself water and electrolytes and shade and snacks, spending some time at the Temple, asking for a massage, going out on a few adventures, all this was important. Many of the experiences I’ve had lately (at Gaming Camp before the burn, at various points during the burn, and even during this difficult decompression period) remind me or reaffirm for me that self-care is a necessary, ongoing practice, one that is a blessing, not a burden or a guilt. Self-care leads to self-love and self-love is the foundation of and prerequisite to healing all the other things. (Hi, oxygen mask theory, you’re still here? Ok, fine, come sit down here by me and give me a hug.)

One other theme that seems to have emerged in the writing down of all that happened at this year’s burn is the theme of The Gift of (Perspective Shift). I spent a lot of time gifting perspective shifts to other people, and sitting here two weeks post-burn I feel like I might be finally ready to engage with some of that perspective-shifting gifting myself. Last year brought me new appreciation for “suffering cracks us open and lets the light in” and “no mud, no lotus”; this year (or at least this particular reflective moment) is bringing me “take it easy” (which could also be expressed with the classic Pink Heart saying “float more, steer less”), and “self care comes first”, as well as the related perspective shift reminders of “crap or cone” (e.g. you get what you focus on) and “blessings, not burdens”.

So there are my takeaways from this year’s burn, at least with having had “only” two weeks to process. If you’re still reading this I’m impressed with your powers of concentration and hope that there has been something interesting or relatable in here for you, maybe even something that shifts your perspective. Supernova out!

[Radical Rituals at Burning Man: Preamble and Prologue]

[Radical Rituals at Burning Man: Part 1]

[Radical Rituals at Burning Man: Part 2]

[Radical Rituals at Burning Man: Part 3]

[Radical Rituals at Burning Man: Part 4]

[Radical Rituals at Burning Man: Part 5]

[Radical Rituals at Burning Man: Part 6]

[Radical Rituals at Burning Man: Part 7]

[Radical Rituals at Burning Man: Part 8]

[Full set of Radical Ritual pictures on Facebook]