People keep asking me "how are you doing?" It's a complicated answer so I usually don't go into it. The short version is "ehh. I'm hangin' in there." (Which I am, yes I am, with all my considerable, well-practiced strength.) The long answer is something that is hard to put into words. But words are my friends, so let me try.

With no other "doing" to distract me, I've been flailing around in all the feels for the last few days, especially the negative ones. Anxiety, fear, sadness, disappointment, guilt, dread, irritability, uncertainty, loneliness, melancholy, self-pity, anger, frustration, grief: I boing around from feeling to feeling like a renegade superball escaping a gumball machine. One minute everything is fine, it's business as usual and I'm compartmentalizing and balancing like the pro tightrope walker I usually am; the next minute everything is the opposite of fine, and I'm overwhelmed and over-sensitized to every kind of setback, and pissed off and disappointed that everyone can't see that.

It's taking a lot of energy just to keep any kind of forward momentum going. I'm napping a lot. I'm also talking a lot to people who are good at listening, being gentle and non-judgmental with myself at every opportunity, and practicing gratitude and optimism whenever I can. Next week will be a week full of doctor appointments and tests, which will hopefully result in at least the beginning of a plan of action, but until then, there's this. Just being with all the feels, all the time. Open, open, open.

Fuck this is hard.