I find it both ironic and irritating that October is breast cancer awareness month. I keep seeing news stories and fundraisers and facebook posts full of pink ribbons and statistics and optimistic slogans. I wake up every morning, every single morning, and one of the first thoughts in my muzzy morning head is "HOLY SHIT I HAVE CANCER." (Followed closely by "AGAIN", for a double dose of angst.) I am usually an optimistic and energetic person in the morning, but now I slog through my mornings companioned by a heavy sensation of doom and dread that I have to work really hard to counteract. I finally get my head somewhat balanced and my attitude recalibrated and then boom, there's another goddamn pink ribbon or chirpy exhortation to keep fighting or choose hope or think pink or whatever. It's like the universe is rubbing my nose in it.

Believe me, I am REALLY F**KING AWARE of breast cancer right now. A lot. Extremely. Obsessively. Painfully. Urgently. Consistently. AWARE.