This waiting bullshit sucks. I’m living 24/7 (yes, even in my dreams) in a weird, cognitively dissonant, limbo space of non-specific threat, and it is exhausting and I hate it. I realize I just have to accept that this is a time to “be” and not to “do”, but the “being” is uncomfortable (not that surgery is going to be any more comfortable).

Speaking of which, I still don’t have a first surgery date nailed down. I spoke yesterday with Grissel, the new practice coordinator for Dr. Ewing the breast surgeon, and she said she’s still waiting to get an official order for surgery in the system from the doctor. I have no idea why it is taking so long to get that order in (*grumble grumble bureaucracy grumble*). Meanwhile time is ticking away and I’m getting more and more anxious. I pushed Grissel to give me some possible dates, and she said how about 11/9, and I said “really, can’t it be any earlier?” and she said she’d try to find out about the possibility of 11/4, but that she’d have to email Dr. Ewing and Miriam (Dr. Foster’s assistant, who has to coordinate with her) and get back to me. I had to just say okay, let me know as soon as you know, even though I just wanted to scream and yell at her "don't you know how this FEELS?"

I so want to get this treatment journey started and this first surgery over with. I’ve spent almost 6 weeks living with this cancer diagnosis and 3 weeks constantly contemplating the difficult physical and emotional challenge of losing vital, identity-central pieces of my body. I’m a fighter and I’m ready to get in there and overcome this challenge with optimistic Supernova style and grace and with my super sharpened weapons of mental/emotional/physical preparation, but this fatiguing waiting is going to make me drop my weapons if it doesn’t end soon. Yet I’m afraid to put all my carefully prepped weaponry down and rest, because I could be called to the fight at any moment. Can’t fight, can’t rest, can’t do anything but distract myself and hope things start moving again soon...this sucks. I feel stalled out and stuck and unable to grow or heal from this trauma. I hate how everything else in my life has to be put on hold while this uncertainty resolves itself.

To use yet another completely different metaphor, it’s like cowering in a basement waiting for a tornado to finally touch down. Doesn’t matter that I’m well prepared with all the survival supplies and that all my people are here around me...there’s still that fear that anything could happen and the relative surety that the most likely result is going to be messy broken things. I just want to find out about and then get busy with whatever rebuilding and clean up has to happen.