And then...there was recovery. It’s been about a week. Today I’m feeling pretty great, actually, but let me go back and talk about earlier in the week.
The last week has been full of visits and flowers and food and calls and cards and loving gestures of all kinds. (I have discovered that some people are flower people, some are food people, some are card writers, and some are bakers. All of them are awesome.) So many people are so eager to do something to show me that they care. This is certainly the moment when I feel all my communities holding and supporting me, and that’s a beautiful thing. I’ve certainly spent years and years involved with various communities, putting in my time and energy, and this is the reward.
I am mostly very pleased at all the attention. (Who wouldn’t be? Flowers and food and loving words are something it’s practically impossible to have too much of.) I think that in many ways I have been healing as well as I have because of all the outpouring of love and attention that has been showered on me. (I’m not just being woo-woo; this is totally a thing. Go look it up.)
On the other hand, part of me is still struggling with receiving all the attention and the well wishes. I think there are several reasons why. Sometimes it’s just plain exhausting to socialize (this is an extrovert’s Achilles heel...socializing rather than resting). It’s also taxing to be continually gracious and thankful for each kindness (not that anyone’s making me, but that’s the kind of person I am). Receiving all that attention also activates a kind of survivor’s guilt thing for me where I find myself trying to minimize, going “oh, I’m not that bad, you don’t have to fuss over me”. Plus, as someone who is so familiar with being on the other side of this relationship and being the person who cares and gives and soothes and cheers, it is sometimes more difficult than one might think to just receive. I have to remind myself that receiving is also a gift, in that it allows other people to step up into (and enjoy) being their best selves. I know that it feels good to give to others and practice being my best self, that’s why I do it. So letting other people do it while also receiving the care and attention I need is a win-win.
On a related note, it’s definitely a fascinating sociological/spiritual experiment to see how my own honest vulnerability in public affects other people. What I think it really does is open up a window for other people to feel comfortable being honest with their feelings too, and for them to step up/over into connection more easily. I have had so many people thank me for letting them in and inviting them to come along on this journey with me, and tell me how inspirational I am. I have a hard time accepting that I am really all that inspirational, although I can see how what they are reacting to is the honest vulnerability of going “hey here are some real feelings I really have” in public, which not everyone is comfortable with (in fact, I’d venture to say most people aren’t, not in mainstream American culture at this time anyway). I’m “keeping it a hundred” (as in a hundred percent real), as Larry Wilmore would say. It’s powerful to be so open and real and to communicate through storytelling (writing, in my case). It’s what I always loved about Anne Lamott and Elizabeth Gilbert and about the myriad of bloggers I’ve read over the years. Authenticity. That’s what I’m talking about. We know it when we see it and we respond to it.
(On a side note, I think there’s a separate blog post in here somewhere about Authenticity, Acceptance and Assumptions....I seem to have been working on these concepts since at least Burning Man if not before.)