I’ve been super quiet on social media of all kinds lately (because reasons, but that’s not the point of this post). I’ve just hit what really feels like a big life crossroads, although I’m still mired in the middle of it so it’s hard to say what will stick in the long term and what won’t. But even so I just had to write this story down for posterity. What story you ask? Why, the story of my journey into handpan-land. What’s a handpan? You ask? And well you might. A handpan is a musical instrument that is vaguely related to the steel pan, but is convex instead of concave and is played with the hands (actually, the fingers) rather than with mallets or hammers. It is made of hammered steel and looks a lot like a metal turtle shell or UFO. Go look up “handpan” on YouTube and you’ll see a zillion videos, of which my current favorite of the moment is this one (but believe me there are 10,000 more). They’ve only been around since the year 2000 and there aren’t very many of them in the world (though more and more people are learning how to make them and there is a very passionate community of players.

(Let me digress for a moment and say that I am by no means anywhere close to a trained musician or even a drummer, although many years ago I did play darbukka in the UCSB Middle East Ensemble and I still have several hand drums which I enjoy occasionally fooling around with. These days I spend my creative time as a writer and artist, not so much as a musician: the only instruments regularly in my life have been my kids’ piano, violin and cello.)

Anyway, my recent journey into handpan-land (say that three times fast...it will make you giggle!) was like falling into a whirlpool full of fizzy water, one that lifted me up rather than sucking me down. (Anyone remember the fizzy lifting drink scene from the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie? Yeah, soaring and gleeful like that, but without the threatening fan at the top waiting to chop me up into pieces...for now at least!) But it’s also been a crazy ride on the serendipity train. Everything that has happened to me so far on this journey has felt like an incredible lesson in both manifestation, and what my Jewish friends and family call “b’shert” (which is a Yiddish phrase that means “meant to be” or “destiny”).

The journey began in the midst of grief and fear, during a depressive episode brought on by some PTSD trigger stuff related to my cancer diagnosis. (Cancer, the gift that keeps on giving, even 23 years into remission....sigh.) Anyway, during this struggling blue funk time, all I could do was sleep or play brainless little games on my phone or stare glumly at the internet. One day while glumly staring I noticed a video posted on Facebook of some people playing a Middle-Eastern flavored song in the middle of a forest (“Arabesque” by Aikyo). There were these weird metallic UFO drum things in it that made me perk up and look closely at the video...even through my funk I was immediately intrigued and interested. What were those crazy looking UFO things? The sounds they made were incredible! It looked like so much fun to play! I wanted to find out more. I wanted to play one, right now.

A bit of creative Googling later and I found out the metal UFOs were “Hangs” (the original Swiss-made“sound sculpture” that led to the proliferation of similar instruments that most people now call handpans). That led me to handpans as a category, and to an overwhelming (yet delicious) variety of YouTube videos, Bandcamp albums, blog posts, and Facebook groups, as well as the handpan.org forum. I quickly learned that, much to my disappointment, I wasn’t going to be able to just waltz down to my local music store or pop on to Amazon.com to buy myself a handpan to noodle around on--oh no. These were new, rare, expensive handmade instruments with way more demand than supply, and they were nearly impossible to come by. :( Clearly, finding a handpan of my own to play, and learning how to play it, was no simple thing; I would have to be patient, determined, creative, and committed. I would have to passionately want it. 

But I did. Oh, how I did. I couldn’t stop thinking about handpans, listening to handpan music, and imagining myself playing one. As the days went by and my handpan obsession continued I felt better and better, less depressed, more excited and joyful...and that was just from listening to handpans! What might happen if I actually got to play one? I signed up on everybody’s mailing lists, cruised eBay and the internet, and started asking musician friends to watch out for me. I found a charity auction for a gorgeous handpan by Saraz, a US maker, on the Saraz website and after much anxious hemming and hawing, decided I would bid on it...but that auction quickly skyrocketed out of my league and I didn’t even come close to getting it. But I remained undeterred. I would manifest one, somehow.

The next serendipity that came my way was a friend’s reaction to that Aikyo Facebook video which I had reposted, which was something like “oh, you like handpans? You should talk to my friend, he’s super into all things handpan. His shop is just up the way in Santa Rosa. I’ll introduce you.” So a week or so later she set up an email introduction between me and her friend Colin (if you are knowledgeable about handpans, which I have just become, you’d recognize that name...Colin Foulke is a micro-celebrity in the handpan subculture as both a talented player and maker of handpans, and is considered one of the “elders” of the community.) I decided to be brave and wrote him an intro email babbling about how I had just found handpans and was super obsessed by them, and he very kindly invited me to visit him in his shop. So last week (this is just a little over two weeks after I had first discovered the existence of handpans), I got to tour Colin’s workshop and see how the sausage was made, so to speak, not to mention spend a couple of hours with an incredibly kind and talented player who was nice enough to put up with a barrage of eager excited newbie questions and even let me touch and play my first handpan. (Ok, I admit it, I teared up when I first heard one “in person”, and not just because Colin was playing it...but because up until that point, having only seen videos or heard recordings, the *feel* of a handpan and the vibrations it put out hadn’t quite been real for me. Colin made that instrument start singing and suddenly I was more than a little verklempt.) Anyway, after visiting Colin and touching the “real thing”, I was even more determined that this was something I wanted to play, someday, somehow. Colin recommended I connect with his friend Judith Lerner, who lived nearby, and that she might be open to giving lessons and could maybe even help me on my quest to find myself a pan.

I came home dazed and delighted, and that evening, I sat around the living room watching handpan videos while telling Josh about the exciting day I had just had and bemoaning my lack of handpan. Yes, I knew I was going to have to be patient, yes, I would keep the faith and keep looking, but why couldn’t I have a handpan NOW? Dejected but still feeling better than I had in weeks, I decided to check in on all the maker sites I had bookmarked one more time before bed....

...and there on the Saraz site was a flash sale listing. It was almost midnight my time, and close to 3am their time...and as I excitedly refreshed the page to show it to Josh I noticed that the video they’d posted had changed. They must have been putting it up right as I was looking. So I emailed them asking if I could buy the pan, and then, oh then, gentle reader, I had to go to bed and await an answer. I had a hard time sleeping. Seriously.

The next morning though I woke up and checked my email and oh wow hallelujah I had been the first bidder! After taking care of a few logistics, that pan was mine. (It’s supposed to arrive tomorrow, and people, I am over the moon excited for that moment!) Then I wrote an email to Judith, who responded later that day with wonderful enthusiasm and kindness and invited me to come meet her and play some handpans (because she has several!) and talk about lessons. So the day before yesterday I did that, and had a mindblowing, joyful couple of hours connecting with her and some handpans, with the happy end result that we are starting weekly lessons next week once my Saraz gets here.

So wow! Everything is coming together, and apparently the handpan and me were meant to be. :) I’m committed to saying “yes” and riding this serendipity train as far as it will take me, and to trusting in the rightness of the journey without having to know the destination.

I’m also here to testify that active, intentional manifestation works, especially when fueled by passion and determination. I have not only found this new amazing instrument that speaks directly to my soul (and actually drawn one to me), I have also already found some beautiful, heart-full teachers and a community of what certainly seems to be like-minded people. I feel blessed and lucky and thrilled.

I feel change on the horizon, and I am wildly enthusiastic about it (yes, even beyond my usual amount of enthusiasm, so that’s really saying something). It’s been a long time since I was this happy. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing where this journey through handpan-land will take me. ;)